There are dark days on dialysis….when you think about the restrictions on food, liquid consumption and travel it can take you into a tailspin. I’m sure everyone finds their own way to get through it, and some give up, and I can understand why they do.
Before I started dialysis, I was miserable. I would have to wake up extra early to make sure I had enough time to vomit several times before I had to start working. I was weak, tired all the time and was pretty much worthless when it came to housework or working on my hobbies. I gave all the energy I had to work. It wasn’t fair to my husband, and I knew I couldn’t keep going on this way.
I remember hearing the song played from the musical Jagged Little Pill called “Smiling” by Alanis Morissette and Michael Farrell. Now, when I am feeling anywhere near where I started, I take a listen to the song. It reminds me that I have accepted the fact I have raised my white flag and have hit rock bottom. It’s only up from here. I must keep smiling through this.
I am also the kind of person that doesn’t want to be known as the “sick person.” I don’t want special treatment (except where I need it to come to treatment). I don’t want people to know what is going on behind the scenes because they WILL treat you differently. I also don’t want people to feel sorry for me. There are people in worse shape than me and you just never know what other people are going through. Everyone struggles with something eventually. Some of us just struggle earlier than others.
So for me, dialysis should not be a topic for conversation. So don’t ask “how was your dialysis today?” or “how is dialysis going?” How do you think it went???” It’s a must to stay alive and it’s the same every time you go. So that’s it…and I say that smiling.
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